"This is not a valid ID..."
Talk about something you never...NEVER...want to hear..."This is not a valid ID..."
I mean, what scenario is that a phrase you WANT to hear...
"I'm sorry, sir. I was going to give you a speeding ticket, but I need proper Highway Patrol ID, and this...is not a valid ID..."
Nope, never happened...If you are in possession of an ID that "is not a valid ID", you are being denied something...The right to buy alcohol, the right to buy porn, the right to drive slowly away from a police officer with only one ticket rather than two...the right to...take a test?
Wait, why do I have to have a valid ID? I don't even WANT to take the test. I want alcohol. I want porn. I want to drive away with only one ticket...I want to take a test? I don't think so.
I heard this...one week ago today. I was there and I, apparently, wanted to take a test. What did not constitute "valid ID"?
Voter's Registration with my name and signature matching the name of the person who was suppoed to be taking The Test...
One credit card and one debit card both also with my name and signature.
One proof of insurance with my name (admittedly no signature this time, but I could use my car as evidence)
My friend and co-worker, a human being, having already passed the full body cavity search and rigorous proof of ID, present to take the same basic test, who could attest to the fact that the guy with the voter's registration, money sucking black hole cards, vehicle registration (and matching car), and DRIVER'S LISCENCE is in fact the guy who wants to take a test.
If you've noticed that I saved the mention of the driver's liscence until the end and you suspect there's more to the story...you've earned a Gold Star.
See, the Driver's License...or DL as I will now refer to it...had a flaw. Not my face, although that is a flaw. Or that I've gained 10 pounds since I last had to renew my DL.
I don't know about DLs from other states, but it seems that the South Carolina (SC) DL has two layers. There's the primary layer with the prison mugshot picture, the personal information that surely can't be of use to anyone...
Police Officer: "Sir, this appears to be you, but I'm going to have to ask you to stand on these weight scales...Sir, you are clearly not who you claim to be because you weigh 10 pounds more than this valid form of identification says...You'll have to come with me to the station..."
Then, there's the second layer, the rear layer, the secondary layer...the one with the clear white surfact that has nothing except what appears to be a bar code but which apparently codes nothing.
These two layers are separate and held together by laminant.
My two layers...had a divorce...Well, they separated, but with some determination and invisible tape, they were trying to reconcile their differences.
Thus, my driver's license, which has served me so well in keeping beer in my fridge, was invalid. I was safe to buy alcohol, but take a test? Not on your life, Mister!
So, I'm supposed to take the National Boards Test and I can't because I can't prove who I am. I know Identity Theft is an increasing problem, but I doubt anyone stole someone else's identity because of his addiction to tests.
So, the lady telling me that I was not who I thought I was (maybe the floors had built in scales which alerted her to the 10 pound weight difference?) asked if I had a passport.
Asshole: "Yes."
Test Nazi: "Where do you live?"
Asshole: "My invalid ID has my address on it..."
Test Nazi: "Can you get there in 15 minutes?"
Asshole: "..."
Test Nazi: "Sure you can. I do it all the time."
Asshole: "If you are going to answer my questions, why don't you take the test for me? Do you have a valid ID?"
All of a sudden, I'm in a caper film and I'm the Safe Cracker...
Test Nazi: "We need to get in that safe and the guard will be back in 15 minutes. Can you do it?" Asshole: "I dunno...it's a tough safe."
Test Nazi: "Well, I could do it...you need to do it!"
Asshole: "If you could do it, then why are you just watching the door? Why aren't you cracking the safe?"
Test Nazi: "Because you're the star of the film...now do it."
Asshole: "I need more time."
Test Nazi: "DO IT!!!"
Asshole: "I NEED MORE TIME!!!"
At this point, I have to admit I didn't say anything after "yes"...Sometimes I wish I was as much of an asshole in real life as I am in my mind.
I may be able to get to the house in 15 minutes and I may be able to return in 15 minutes, though I'm sceptical...but find the passport immediately? No. Not without some help...So, I leave, pull out my phone and I start going over what I'm going to tell Frugal. (She's the lovely wife, in case you don't know.)
"Honey, they found out that we are aliens and that I'm not the human whose place I took all because of 10 pounds and some invisible tape! Get my old passport from my high school trip to the Soviet Union so I can..."
Wait...I haven't needed a passport since I was in high school. I doubt she'd call that valid...I better check...
Asshole: "My passport is from when I was 17."
Test Nazi: "Oh."
Asshole: "..."
Test Nazi: "..."
Asshole: "..."
Test Nazi: "Ok, well, what I'm going to have to have you to do is go to the DMV and get a new DL and be back in 45 minutes."
Asshole: "..."
Test Nazi: "The DMV opens in 15 minutes. I've got a map..."
Asshole: "You've got a map? This happens so often you have a map to the nearest DMV? I know where it is..."
Test Nazi: "You know where it is?"
Asshole: "Not having a valid ID doesn't make me a moron..."
Anything after the ellipses denoting a staring contest excluding knowing where the DMV is located didn't actually get said.
So, I went to the DMV which wouldn't open for 30 minutes. It just so happened that they had an opening in the test taking window 30 minutes after my test taking window, so if I can get back...I can still take the test. WOOHOO!
So, I got to sit for 30 minutes. I sagely sat in front of the doors rather than waiting in my car. A DMV employee brought out forms for us to fill out while we waited for the place to open. I called Frugal. I brooded about not being in the test. It's a staggering thing, walking in to take a test and then for a small reason you are denied and you are given extra time to sit and think about the test and whether or not you have reason to be confidant, and maybe I won't make it back in time. I mean, it is the DMV. It's not well known for its alacrity.
Then, you start plotting against the people waiting outside of the doors with you. You start screening them...
"You can go in before me. You were here first. I doubt you have time baring down down on you like I do...but I don't want to be rude. But you? Uh-uh. You were here before me, but then you went and sat in your car until you saw the girl giving out the forms...No, you lost your place buddy. And I've heard you talking about what you are here for...it's going to take 45 minutes to deal with you alone, so I can't let you get in front of me either."
The doors get unlocked...I jump up, slam the guy with the 45 minutes of paper work into a tree. Forms flutter about like flat, rectangular, paper snowflakes. (Ooh...Simile) I tripped the car guy, held the door open for the lady who was there before me (always the gentleman), bit my thumb at the two guys left in my wake (Ooh...Shakespearean reference), and entered the DMV.
Ok...maybe not quite like that...But I did hold the door for the lady.
It took 3 minutes to get a new license. They just...printed a new one. Same picture. Same weight off by 10 pounds...no invisible tape.
So, I finally got to take my test for the National Boards. WOOHOO!
There's nothing much to say about the test without risking being abducted by men in black in an unmarked van, driven to some undisclosed location and force fed my testicles...or something like that. They are serious about test security, though...so, don't play.
I will say that the test had me do what I, as a middle school language arts teacher, do most every day in planning for my class. I don't know how well I did, but I feel pretty good about it.
posted by Bodog @ 5:52 PM
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