PTA: Parent, Teacher, Asshole

Tagged for TMI...

Well, I only have my wife to bla...I mean, thank...thank for this. She's tagged me. The topic...as my wife puts it, "Six things more than people really wanted to know about you", but as I put it, "Six Things About You That Qualify as Too Much Information"...

so...Six things, TMI...

1) I currently have a very persistent rash in my right armpit. I've had it for several months. I think I may have found the accurate forms of chemical warfare, and the rash seems to be on the outs...but I have a feeling that my armpit is like Iraq and the insurgents will be here for a while...In general, I am very yeasty, rashy type of person. I should rent my body to science.

2) I've spent a while trying to figure out how to phrase it without it sounding insulting or overly PC...and I just figured it out, because meaty I felt could be taken the wrong way, and pleasantly plump, ugh...I like voluptuous women...fully voluptuous...I'm not just talking mammaries, though admittedly, that's an important area. I like women who I can see when they are standing sideways. I like them tall. The Hollywood women I find most attractive are Queen Latifah, tall and fully formed she is (don't know why I turned Yoda-ish there, but oh well) and Janeane Garofalo, who's not so tall, but still a fine looking woman who, if she reads this BLOG, any entry, she will be totally offended because I just talked about her like she's a piece of meat and because I'm a flaming conservative. Seeing a woman's ribcage is a turnoff.

3) I have no compunction about being naked. Nudist colony, nude beach...whatever, I could do it. I have a horribly rotund beer belly, scrawny pale legs, a dent in my chest (it has some clinical name that I don't know), zits on my back usually...and I'd just walk around buck-ass-naked for the world to see without a problem. Well, save for John Q. Law...that's why I make sure I have my underwear on when I check the mail.

4) My ears are uberwaxy...I stick qtips into my ears, which my wife says will make be deaf, at least every other day and they come out brown, brown, brown...waxy. My cochlea is well protected, however.

5) I have hairy, prehensile toes. I don't mean in a box or something, I mean on my feet. They are hairy...not quite Hobbit hairy, but still fairly covered if walking around barefoot in the winter, and I can pick things up with them. It's cool. If I drop a pencil and I barefooted, I can just use my prehensile toes to pick it up. Even better is that it adds to the gross out factor when harassing PTMamma (Plenty Tolerant Mamma) with my feet. See, I could do what Delta-Boy does, which is just place my stinky feet upon her. (Did I mention my feet stink? Well, what do you expect when they're this hairy. They get sweaty.) But I, I can place my feet upon her and have them crawl up her leg or across her back. She'll tell the judge that when she divorces my gross, beastly, asshole self.

6) Speaking of PTMamma...in honor of her, I share what I think is normal, but she swears in more abnormal than my prehensile toes...I eat Grilled Cheese Sandwiches with mayonaisse. I like mayonaisse a lot, and she eats it sans mayo. I also eat Snot, which is not what it sounds like...it cottage cheese with salt, pepper, and, you guessed it, mayo. PTMamma dubbed it Snot, and so it will be called.

So, I am a gross freak of human nature...or G'FoHN, pronounced Guh-Fone.

I'd like to thank my wife for having me bare my grotesqueness for the internet to enjoy...Here's hoping I'll be called to be a part of Fear Factor...not as a contestant, as a challenge.

posted by Bodog @ 8:01 PM