PTA: Parent, Teacher, Asshole

The McBodog Effect

Do you suffer from the McBodog Effect? If you do, you probably don't call It that. You either have your own name for It, or you don't call It anything. It just flutters in the back of your mind, peering over your thoughts like Killroy as you approach a situation where It will come into effect. I call It the McBodog Effect.

I call It that because it most often and consistently happens on a visit to McDonald's. This morning, my wife decided to take the family out for breakfast, an event of such rarity that if you could put a value on events, it would be more valuable than the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. Her destination was a surprise. It was more of a surprise because the McBodog Effect was in rare form today. When we pulled into the parking lot of the Shoney's restaurant...it has been closed. Shut down. So we discussed our options in the area and voted on McDonald's. Maybe not as fancy a breakfast, but sure to make the Fearsome Five happy with a visit to the PlayPlace. Mrs. Asshole was making sure I was ok with it and I told her, "Don't worry about it. Last time we had breakfast at McDonald's, I discovered the joy of their biscuits and gravy AND pancakes, so I'll be happy."

Mrs. Asshole: "You shouldn't have said anything. Now they'll be out of syrup."
Mr. Asshole: "No, it'll be, 'Yes, I'd like biscuits and gravy.'...'Sorry, sir. We're out of gravy, but we'll have a new shipment in tomorrow.'...'Ok, well, I would like the pancakes and sausage...'...'I'm sorry, sir, we ran out of pancake batter.'"

My wife maintained that it would be the syrup and I conceded because it occurred to me that syrup is just a breakfast condiment and condiments, while it is rare, are more likely to run out that major food products like pancake batter and gravy.

So I'm sitting outside with 1 year-old Yankee-Boy while Bravo-Boy, Delta-Boy, Zebra-Girl, and Sierra-Girl are having fun in the PlayPlace, and Mrs. Asshole opens the door...without food in hand...with THAT look...the look all men learn really quickly when in a committed relationship. The look of unhappiness.

Mr. Asshole: "You're kidding."
Mrs. Asshole: "They're out of gravy."
Mr. Asshole: [laughter]"Well, I called it!"

The McBodog effect is the consistent event of not being able to get that for which you are looking to most enjoy. McDonald's is consistent in its inability to have milkshake makers working when I visit. Every so often I'll get by with a milkshake, but it's more of a surprise when I get one than when I don't.

But it's not just McDonald's...The Roadhouse Grill...now the Original Roadhouse Grill, but back when the Assholes frequented it, it was just The Roadhouse. There was a chicken dinner with rice and some sauce. I forget what it was called. It's not on the online menu anymore so I guess they ofter it no longer. Anyway, when we were eating out regularly as dating couples do, it was my choice every time. It's what I do...there's the one thing I want, and I get it every time. But then we got married and we started a family, eating out became less of an extravagance worth the effort. But one night, with baby Delta-Boy in tow, we went back for a visit. There was that one dish I wanted. It was on the menu (I expected it to be gone). It was placed in front of me...changed. Not nearly as good. I won't say it was bad, but it wasn't nearly as "come back for me" as it was in its original form.

Then there's the story of the little restaurant opened and run by my eldest sister's, Hotel-Sis, good friend. Once it opened, we, Papa-Asshole and Sisters Asshole and I, were frequent diners. And there was my dish. I ordered it every time. I was asking for the recipe and was too young to realize that when she said "well, the recipe is for not one serving but a whole evenings worth of possible servings" I couldn't counter with, "well, give it to me anyway, and I'll figure it out from there." Then, Hotel-Sis's friend was tired of running a restaurant, a thriving but small restaurant, and sold it. Family 1.0 returned anyway. Once. My course was still on the menu. I ordered it. It came...it an altered form. Not bad, but not...well, you get the point.

The McBodog Effect shows itself in various ways depending on the nature of the favored item. The Family Man Frozen Dinner ckicken fried beef steaks with corn, mashed potatoes, and 2 beef steaks removed from grocery freezers. Yeah, I can get the Banquet country fried beef steak dinner which is the exact same except with 1 steak, but...who wants one when you could have two. Boston Market had a chicken meal that I loved, and it's now gone. I have coupons for Croissant Hot Pockets, and guess what is nowhere in the grocering area? Croissant Hot Pockets!

Beware the McBodog Effect, or whatever you call yours...if you dare acknowledge it... at all.

posted by Bodog @ 7:36 PM