PTA: Parent, Teacher, Asshole

Introducing the new Parenting Awards...the LOFties

Work has provided me with several interesting stories about parents and the practice of labelling behaviors as mental illness.

I was in a meeting recently where we discussed what should be done about a student who was diagnosed with Disruptive Disorder. I asked, "So, there's a disorder now that makes us disrupt?" Ok, in meetings I know better than to ask questions like that, but I did ask, "What is Disruptive Disorder?" What I was told was that to be diagnosed with Disruptive Disorder, a person has to display certain behaviors like continual rule breaking, aggression, etc., and through testing doctors rule out other possible causes like ADHD and such. So I said, "So it's a catchall for when they can't figure out what's wrong?" I was told...yes.

Now, I don't want to say that that negates the disability and that it doesn't exist. I'm not going to say I necessarily understand what I was told, and maybe I was given the simple version since I'm just an English teacher. I am concerned, however, that psychiatrists are doling out the meds for behaviors which other children can display and then get rid of with effective discipline. I wonder how many children get labeled with ADHD, ODD, and other Disruptive Disorders (using Goggle, I learned that Disruptive Disorder is apparently a class of disorders) when they are just suffering from BADD, Behavior Absent Discipline Disorder.

I don't wonder this just because I feel that naming disorders for socially unacceptable behavior and medicating people who display these behaviors removes all personal responsibility, but as a teacher who has seen the child who has BADD and the parents that gave it to them. They use the Lord of the Flies parenting approach. Parents using the LOF approach feel that all a sentient being needs to become a good, upright, productive member of society is respect. They respect their boundaries by not getting too involved in their activities. They respect their privacy by not going through their rooms. They respect their individuality by letting them make their own decisions under the assumption that they will eventually learn how to make better decisions on their own. It doesn't work...

I spoke with one parent, again recently, although I've heard the message from many parents, who said, "Well, it's up to him to decide to behave. I've spoken with him until I'm blue in the face, but until he decides to make the right decision, he's going to just keep getting in trouble."

Ummm...no. See, that's LOF parenting. It's NOT his decision because he lives in YOUR house. He is a teenager barely. He doesn't know how to make decisions yet. He doesn't think about tomorrow much less 5 or 6 years from now when he's graduating from high school and has to make it in the world. You talk to him? My dad talked to me all the time about the importance of doing my homework and while I understood what he was saying and I agreed with him, I still didn't do my homework. At 33, I wish I had done my homework, but at 13, even though I understood and agreed, I didn't make the decision to do it. But then this is a parent who asked if he was the only one talking during class and if I've moved him away from the other students with whom he is speaking. No, he isn't always the only one talking, although sometimes he is, and even if others are talking, they all get in equal trouble, and yes he's been moved to the most isolated desk...still, no effect. But then if you would do more than talk, maybe he'd be a little more compliant. This parent wins my new parenting award for effective use of the Lord of the Flies Parenting Style, the LOFty.

Another parent, at a meeting about whether or not her child would stay with us or return to the home school, said, "Whether she stays here or goes back, she'll still just get in trouble." Well, mom, that's encouraging. I didn't get much information on her parenting style, but I would guess that she probably used a LOF type of discipline and at this point, has gotten frustrated that her child has not just started making responsible decisions. So rather than changing her style to one that is effective like knowing your child is capable of behaving and if she doesn't, then things are taken away like the phone, the tv, the mp3 player, etc., the parent gives up and makes degrading comments. This parent, too, wins a LOFty.

Now, I will say that I don't know how good a parenting job I will have done when all is said and done. I also know that some parents have a hard time monitoring their children and disciplining because they are single parents and/or have to work long, hard hours. I mean, how can you make sure your child doesn't watch TV when he gets home from school hours before you get home from work? Well, I know I'd deprive myself of the television to make a point. There's nothing that I would take from my children that I wouldn't eliminate from my life if necessary to reach my children...but that's just me.

posted by Bodog @ 4:17 PM